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11:52pm 21/11/2006
  I want to become the companion of a space. To feel intimacy with a landscape. Isn't this what we all want to feel love surround us. To feel a sense of rest and richness where we are. It's greater than the love of another, it's love for being. It's finding a home, that can comfort and be there with out words or actions. It will never leave, never run away. It just will continue to be, stationary and infinite.  
     

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12:43am 15/09/2006
  I never post here . My words just don't seem fit any more. As if some how I've become lost in my head and I can never put anything down on paper.

This summer went by so fast , it was an odd one but overall it was enjoyable.

It's odd to think it's been over three years since high school. I guess I've almost curved a new life for myself since than . I still went to my classes this week expecting to know no one as if it was my first day here .

I feel like this semester will be my best yet . My courses just seem to fit me really well. I get to take pictures and read graphic novels. My first assignment for my pop culture class is to make a CD that represents me at a certain moment in my life. I never expecte school to be this enjoyable. I never expected to become friends with my profs.

I also have my beloved David Gelb again. It's going to be sad at the end of this semester to say goodbye to him , knowing that I'll never have him for a teacher again. I'll still run into him at hillside and random places , it just won't be the same. He's been such a mentor to me . He's this perfect mix of geek , hipster and smarts all rolled into a cute little package that wears buddy holly glasses , plaid shirts and hiking boots.

It's odd to think I'm almost done here. I'm afraid about what will come next. I'm going to be so lost with out school. I havn't not gone to school since I was 4 , and I don't think I can go back to finger painting and watching cartoons. I want to do something I love and enjoy, I don't want to feel tied down , I want to travel the world abd most of all I want to be happy,

I was offered to go back to the city next summer. I don't know if I will , the pay was really good , but I just wasn't happy there. I know if I go back next summer they'll offer me a full time job when I'm done school , and I don't want that. I feel liek than I'd be working just for the money , I don't want to be one of those people who is unhappy with what they do. I really don't care about money , it's not something I really need that much of.

I don't know , life is going to get really scary awful quick in the next couple years , I just know deep down everything will turn out okay because I work hard and try my best . I know that there's somethign out there for me I feel it . I just need to let it find me.
 
     

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08:24am 19/06/2006
  I never update, but I'm at work and have litte to do all day so I thought I'd make a little post. Summer is going well, very busy but tahts alright. Work sucks but I'm getting paid more than I should to do a job that I could've done in a week so thats cool.


I'm putting together a ton of my work and hoping to get some freelance work as well. Just to have some fun and make some cash.

other than that life is good , seeing friends going to new places. Sumer's going by way too fast, I pick courses soon. Almost done university which is scary to think but good.

anyways I should get back to pretending to do work.

You might get an update in a couple months
 
     

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05:06pm 09/03/2006
  So , I have no school. It's really boring sitting around while everyone else has school. I'm going to school to do some work because I know as soon as this dumb strike is over I'll be swamped with an overload of work.


I guess this is the downfall of taking a joint uni/college course. I guess when you try to get all the college courses outta the way at once so you don't have to keep taking the bus back and forth between utm and Sheridan this is what happens.


In other news, I feel so what happy and excited about stuff again , I'm looking for a summer job so if any of you know of anythig let me know pronto.
 
     

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03:14pm 30/01/2006
  I don't even know why I still have this thing . Its not like I can write. I relaly don't care anymore.  
     

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03:35pm 23/01/2006
  Classes are kicking my ass but in a good loving way.


Maybe more later , most likely not .


Thornhill this weekend, I want it to snow so I can go sledding.
 
     

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06:47pm 22/01/2006
  Last night was a gay old time.


Amanda - Eric , Danielle wants to kiss you

Me- No I don't

Eric- come on kiss the Chops

Me- ummm maybe latter

Eric -My sideburns wait for no women
 
     

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01:35pm 18/01/2006
  Life sometimes just falls into place with out you even trying to make it all happen. I have a group of friends who are funny , intelligent and make me feel like I am important . Theres a boy , who makes me smile. He may not be perfect but hes good enough . School went better than expected last semester , marks are all good. This semester my classes are fun and interesting and for the frist time I'm starting to feel liek maybe this program was the right choice and that maybe coming here wasn't really the worst thing I've ever done.  
     

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10:02am 16/01/2006
  Listening to old albums you haven't heard in awhile is sometimes like talking to an old friend you haven't seen in awhile its nice and everything but you just don't know what to say since things have changed.  
     

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a letter to a boy....   
04:48am 16/01/2006
  Sometimes I think about you. Its not all the time just when I've seen or heard something that reminds me of you, a song , a novelists name written on a cover or even the wind blowing the leafs in a way I know that you would enjoy. A smile creeps across my face when these things happen, these few things that seemed to make you happy.

People say that over time these things will fade, drift away somewhere unknown to me. I fear the day when I hear this song and don't think of you, when walking through bookstores your face doesn't pop into my head.

It comforting to think of you , because you are a constant. To me it seems like I always just know what you'll be doing. You never seem to veer. I can fall back to you any time and know that despite the space between us you will have enjoyed things the same way I have and shared in similar experiences as me .


I will always regret certain things about us , the way you and I both handled certain things. I pushed you away because i was afraid of losing you and you pushed too hard because you were afraid of losing me.

Someday I will meet somewhere who I don't compare to you , someone who makes me smile the way you did. Someone who I feel comfortable in silence with. He will except me the way you did . I will stop remembering you and start making new memories with him. But until than I'll remember you when I smell rain and smile because somewhere I know you are smiling at the same smell. the smell of the world being cleansed.
 
     

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01:38am 12/01/2006
  Only been back a week but it feels like so much longer. It's amazing how fast you settle into a routine. This semester looks good. I've realized over the past week on many people I know here. I remeber at the start of last semester any break I had at sheridan I spent alone , now I run into people everywhere. I also meet new people all the time. I also think I've settled into a good group of people who make me laugh and that makes long days go by a lot faster.

Also made a buddy to walk home with. Kinda got a little crush on him but I feel like its good to like someone again it's been awhile. It's odd because when I saw him last semester I knew there was something about him. I just knew that we would get along great and we do. When we walked home on tuesday we stopped in front of my door to continue talking. He makes me smile and I need more of that in my life.


I also want to have a party in the near future, I was thinking a lonely hearts club band party around valentines day. but thats a little far. I just want to have my friends over for a party since any party we've ever had has been more of a drama thing and sometimes I just feel like I don't fit in.

Should go to be have to get up tomorrow to buy my books. Spend a ton of money I don't really have.
 
     

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07:27am 10/01/2006
  School so far is going well . Hopefully my two classes tomorrow will go as good as the three I've already had . This semester already seems like a ton of work but work I'll enjoy doing.

Tonight Animation class went well despite my total lack of skills in after effects( I was proud that I could make the ball bounce). It is a lot harder than flash , but it also allows for you once you know how to use it to add things like velocity to what you're working on fairly easily. We also watched a couple of animations by United Productions of America, They were really really good. The company was started as a back lash to disney and disbanded during the commission hearings that took place in hollywood in the 50's . Apparently the people who worked their were a little bit too open minded for the goverment.

my other two classes aren't as excited as animation but thats alright. Already have a ton of readings and work to do . Oh well it'll keep me busy .
 
     

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07:48pm 03/01/2006
  Back in the M-saug. Home alone , enjoyig the peace and trying to get things done. Only one day of classes this week, which is nice . I need to start looking for a job tomorrow.

Thrusday is the only day I have class. Excited for school , hoping that classes are good. Erin , Alison , Sumran and I finally have a class all togehter which should result in some funny stories. Get to play the Prof. Jones drinking game with Erin, Dave and the bunch, hopefully someone is having a party this weekend.

My mom also starts her last batch of cemo this thrusday , after next week all that crap will be over and done with and she can start to get better.

Life is on the up and I'm finally started to sleep.
 
     

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Happy New Years   
01:09am 01/01/2006
  Decided to op out of drunkenness this year, it seems like a good choice. It was a fun night with the playing of board game and card games , kelly trying to sing karaoke ,ordering a large amount of food from a variety of places and making fun of anything and everything that came on TV.

Happy this past year is over , hoping for the best in the next year maybe I'll get around to doing something worthwhile with myself.

Peace love and all that crap to all of you.

Hope you had a good new years no matter the plans.
 
     

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04:34pm 30/12/2005
  Hair cut o rama
Picture 001(1).jpg

rockin it
 
     

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02:01am 27/12/2005
  I like my moms family , none of us are really close but we always have fun together. It was also nice that everyone came, it may be one of the last times in awhile with all my cousins starting there own familys, and Kristan living in England now its hard to get everyone together. Plus there was about 25 of us tonight and its getting to be too many people to have in one space at one time.

Tomorrow I must go to chapters due to the over whelming amount of gift cards I have . Plus I need some books. Hopefully once in the store I won't be overwhelmed by choices and decide to go home a research books carefully before I decide what to buy. Already I'm thinking maybe A Confederacy of Dunces or The Wind-up Bird Chronicle but I may decide different once I have the books and read the frist chapter. which I always do when I buy books because I'm picky and hate spending money on something bad.

Than well I am home I will read all the books I buy before I go back to school and have no time. I also have to knit a bunch of stuff plus see some more people before I go.


Still don't know what I'm doing for New Years, theres too many things I could do. Every year I say that than don't decide what to do until that day and by than its too late to do anything.
 
     

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10:04pm 25/12/2005
  Have a Merry Christmas ,a Happy Hanukkah, a Kwazy Kwanza, a tip-top Tet, and a solemn, dignified Ramadan.

Glad its all over. Well not really one more family dinner tommorow , at least at this one I won't be expected to baby sit.

Best gift this year is a toss up between Gilmore Girls DVD and a set of Knifty Knitters . I already made a hat on the knifty knitter but I used a too small one so its toddler sized.



P.S Me wearing my Radioheads= shirt equals best dad quote ever " Video killed the Radiohead"
 
     

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02:50am 16/12/2005
  I've been thinking a lot about god lately. I know the topic is overdone and so typical to think about but I was always uncomfortable with making a decision about the existence or non existence of a supreme entity . I hate saying for sure that a good or gods doesn't exist even if I know that its very unlikely.

What I've really been thinking about lately is why I feel this way. Why i can't commit one way or another. I think I've figured it out. Deep inside I want to believe. I want to know that there something else other than this, that my choices are pre-made, and that everything is meant for something. I don't want to think that all this is it, I don't want to know that all the bad choices and my faults are mine and only mine.

I realize that these reasons are why the idea of a supreme being originated . I know inside that one doesn't exist , that this is all I may ever get.

I always admired those who had faith ( not blind faith or extremist views)because it gave them something beyond themselves. I've always wanted that comfort for myself.

This year I've met a lot of different people and learned a lot about different religious beliefs and met a lot of level minded, intelligent people who believe in something more and it makes me feel better to know that they have found that comfort, something to believe in.

I always used to say that I had faith, not in god but in myself, in the idea of being a good person and doing the right thing for me . I feel like I've lost that faith somewhere. I don't know when but I feel its gone. Maybe , because I've had some bad experiences and havn't dealt with them in a way that I feel is right or maybe because I've lost faith in other people. I really don't know.
 
     

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08:10pm 12/12/2005
  Done school which is good news. Getting drunk with Dave tonight whcih is better news.

On the not so good side of things my roommates were talking behind my back today. I guess they didn't notic that I can hear what they say through the floors, maybe they would know that if they came and chilled with me down here every once and awhile.

So anyways they were pissed I wasn't helping them clean the house and appaerently I never clean. I'll admit my room is a mess but I make sure that thats the only thing thats a mess. Just because they don't seem to notice when I mop the floors, clean the microwave or clean the bathroom. Don't get mad at me because 85% of my mark is due and i'd rather work on that than cleaning the kitchen. Plus I went on strike from cleaning the house when you guys had your friends over for a party and than left me alone to clean up the mess the next day and it was a dinner party so I had to wash about 5 sink loads of dishes plus clean the entire house . So don't whine to me about cleaning , I'm not the only fucking person that lives in this house and therefore a quarter of the mess is yours. Its not even messy its a little dusty and maybe the kitchen was a little dirty but it was far from a mess.

I'm really thinking of moving out next year lets see if they'll find another roommate whos willing to get shafted to the basement because there to big of princesses to live here let alone come down here to see me ever


Oh and your welcome for your christmas gifts thank your for saying thank you.
 
     

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05:18am 12/12/2005
  So almost done just one more exam and handing in all my writing stuff today. I'll be glad when I'm done drama , its not that I didn't enjoy the class but readign a play a week on top of all my other work was a little harsh. Oh well now I know turandot inside and out.

Look i used a cliche, my writing prof would be mad at me if she read that. Better not let it wear off on my stories. Which are almost to the point where I don't want to look at them anymore. At least their not horrible. I'm still afraid of the grade since shes a hard marker but I'll live with whatever she gives me.

I'm really afraid about my web culture mark since the exam was super hard. Plus shes bell cruving our marks down about 3% which isn't helping to stop my worrying.

All my other classes are fine, I'm keeping my average student as always 70's , whcih is fine by me. It is UofT and I really don't do all that much work. I look at people here and it seems all they do is study. I'd rather get 70s and have a life. Its not like I want to go to grad school or anything.

I can't even think about a masters . Unless it was in semotics but they got rid of the program at uoft and the only other post grad one I'm pretty sure is in Finland and as cool as that would be I realyl don't think I would get in or have the money if I did get in to go. Oh well , I'm still hoping by some act of god I will get enough money to go this summer. I really think it would be so much fun and I would love to give a lecture and for once get to talk instead of listen.
 
     

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